Monday, June 4, 2012

Oh you Canuck, you

Okay, so like I haven't updated this in forever. Mostly because I was kind of embarrassed by this blog. But someone commented on the first post ever, and like it just revived my desire to update this thing. So here's the comment:


Alrighty then. First, thanks for reading and commenting. Now to respond:

Oh you darling canuck, you. Stop acting so butt hurt and read the disclaimer at the bottom of the page: I LOVE CANADA! This is all just a joke. I friggen love the country and can't wait to visit it again. Yes I have been there and enjoyed the experience.

And I guarantee you, thousands of people have made top 100 lists about how much America sucks, some in which are written by real live Americans. We question the government all the time and not everyone in America is a redneck. In fact, not every American southerner is a redneck.

By the way, a good portion of your points are either contradicting, rude, fallacious, and/or overly generalized. For example, "Everything is so superficial, thanks to the media, and everyone is dumb enough to think they should look like that (except for all the fat pigs)." For one, the influence from the media doesn't solely exist within the states. In fact it blurs the boundary between almost all developed countries, and even those whom are considered third world. 


"You don't really give a s*** about the environment." Many Americans are deeply concerned for our planet. It's such a rare blessing to be put on this earth when we are surrounded by light years of empty space. To ruin this planet (not just by the fault of Americans but soooo many other countries as well) is an embarrassment. 


I won't stoop to your level and claim "You know nothing about anything..." because I simply do not know you nor had an enlightening conversation with you to make such a claim.

Lastly, and most importantly, at least what I write isn't serious. You are just a tactless simpleton.

America, out.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Canadian Mad Libs

I'm so bored, eh. So I decided to play Canadian style mad libs. The key to the game is to put as many Canadian words in the slots. After like 400, I finally made one (not ridiculously inappropriate) I'd like to share.

Courtesy of this website:   http://www.eduplace.com/tales/
I challenge you to make a better one.


And the finished product!!


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Canadian In Need is a Canadian Indeed

So I was browsing yahoo answers, when I decided to go onto yahoo answers canada.

And the first thing that pops up is:


Shortly followed by:


Mmmmkay. Some were serious questions about faith and health and trying to find a song. But I came across a couple that I decided to make up a response to.

Here's what I came up with.


It deleted itself because you're Canadian and you have no friends.

Personally, I prefer sprite with a little bit of cyanide mixed in. It really gives me that kick I'm looking for.


Real nice, you racist. How about choosing Ku, Klux, and Klan, eh?




Friday, August 26, 2011

Diary of a Hoser

Dear Diary, eh,

July is over, and winter has begun. Living in Canada, there are only two seasons: summer (July) and winter (August-June). The snow was aboot to come down any minute, and I realized I needed to collect some maple syrup for the approaching blizzard. We're expecting aboot a meter, eh.

So, I went ootside to the old maple tree, trying to figure oot how to get the syrup, when oot of nowhere I was hit in the mouth with a hockey puck. It knocked oot another tooth, leaving me with a total of six teeth left.

I went inside to withoot the syrup, to find my decked oot habs cloth (it's got the logo and everything, eh) to stop the bleeding in my mouth. Once it stopped bleeding, I grabbed a beer and sat down on the old chesterfield in front of the tv for some old habs playoff games from 93.

I'm not sure when, I think it was ten minutes left of the thrid period, when I dozed off, eh. But the next thing I know, I hear a knock at my door. I get up to check ootside, and I see aboot a half meter of snow on the ground and my best by' all done up in his nicest bunny hug trying to look all dekey, eh.

"I'm headed over to Timmy's for a double-double, eh. Ya' comin' or what ya hoser?" He says to me.

"Shut up, ya canuck. Lemme grab some loonies and I'll be oot in sec," I reply. I instantly start thinking aboot the timbits I'm aboot to hoover.

I grab my tuque and head over to Timmy's and eat some timbits. We get back and watch some puck for aboot four hours, when we finally called it quits. That's when I realized it was diary time, so here I am writing in my diary, eh. Until next time...

Love,
Brian

Words you probably didn't understand:
Habs- Montreal Canadians
chesterfield- couch
by'- boy or buddy
bunny hug- sweatshirt
dekey- nice looking, cool
Timmy's- Tim Hortons (like Dunkin Donuts for canadians)
double-double- two creams and two sugars in your coffee
hoser- loser, derogatory term for a lower class beer guzzling hockey nut (Trailer Park Boys is a fine example)
canuck- Canadian
loonies- Canadian coin
timbits- Tim Horton's version of the Munchkin
hoover- devour
tuque- hat

Friday, August 5, 2011

canada.com

I don't know if you know this by now, but I love to google things. Writing a Canadian blog, I google Canada quite a bit for more material. Today, in the midst of my google frenzy, I came upon the site canada.com. While browsing, I noticed a few interesting things. So, I screen capped it and decided to point out these ridiculous features this site has to offer. I have annotated and highlighted the important components.


*Click on the Picture to Increase the Size*


Annotation 1 
We all know Canada is not a very sophisticated country. So there's no shocker that anything affiliated with the name (including this site) won't be advanced in the slightest. This includes the lack of smarts to interpret apostrophes which in turn displays the code (#8217) instead.



Annotation 2
Under the Most Popular tab, road kill in Minnesota is one of the top articles on the site. Of all things to look up, the country decides to be interested in road kill. And for the kicker: IT'S NOT EVEN IN CANADA!



Annotation 3
I can't even muster up a response for this. What is that? Is that a Canadian thing, or something? I'm pretty sure that's the worst headline to ever be created.





Annotation 4
In Hot Topics, Sean Avery- the worst hockey player in the NHL- is placed comfortably behind hurricanes and cyclones. Okay, so he was arrested, but still- it's Sean Avery. Maybe Tiger Woods' new girl friend is one of Avery's sloppy seconds and he decided to take his anger out by assaulting a police officer.


I know that pretty much anyone that can operate a computer, can create a website (or in my case, pointless blogs), but maybe Canada should be an exception to this phenomenon.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

FML: Hoser Edition

I don't know if you're familiar with the website FML (fmylifee.com), but it's hilarious. People from all around the world post problems or horrible situations they've endured on this website, and viewers rate their post.

I was browsing around today when I came across a few Canadian posters. Of course I have to throw my two-cents in.

*NOTE* you can click on the screen caps to make them bigger and easier to read.

And the first:






Like she said, she'd have been fine with this ordeal. I guess she's used to rejection being a Canadian and all. And I don't know why she's fussing over it. She's no longer living in Canada. This situation was a blessing in disguise.

Next:





I'm sorry, but there's no such thing as a sober canuck with all that beer pride there. What were they thinking?

And:





If a canadian was my baby sitter, I'd scream and run away, too.

Lastly:





Remind me why Canada's free health care system is something to smile aboot.