Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

So, I don't think I should really bash on Canada too hard today, considering it's Christmas. Also, I got a Leafs t-shirt this morning and I'm wearing it as I type this. So....

All I'm going to say is Merry Christmas to all.... except Canada because they suck.

Just kidding, Merry Christmas to Canada too.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Urban Dictionary- the source of dumb

The biggest lead I had for this weak was that Ashley's car keys are made in Canada. My god, good luck to those driving around her. Someway, those keys are going to cause her car to spin out worse than a Nascar driver's and kill someone. And when the police are investigating this murder, they'll discover those car keys were made in Canada and the accident will have made sense.

Realizing this isn't much to go on, especially since she hasn't gotten into an accident... yet... I should write about something else. Unfortunately, I am suffering some major creativity blockage, so I'm just going to be unoriginal. As I was browsing, I found a post that basically took the words out of everyone's mouth. Aside from the numerous spelling mistakes, and terrible grammar, it's quite funny. 

Here's the inspiration:
Dear Jordan, 
Velcro was invented by a Swiss engineer in 1941 named George de Mestral, and it was widely used by NASA- not just little kids' shoes. As for zambonis, an Italian-AMERICAN man named Frank Zamboni. Penicillin was discovered by a Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming. The invention of the telephone is disputed. Insulin derived off of research from several scientists, who were European, but was concluded by a canadian. Amateur radio operators are credited with the discovery of long-distance communication on the shortwave bands. They are North American meaning BOTH Canada and America.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Shows that make fun of Canada

Believe me when I say, Ashley and I aren't the only ones that make fun of Canada. In fact, there are several TV shows that do the same.

For example, South Park. It went so far in the movie that- oh just watch.(Parental discretion advised)

According to my mom, late night show host Craig Ferguson quips at Canada from time to time.

Another is How I Met Your Mother. Robin is Canadian and her friends, especially Barney, constantly make fun of her for it. If you watch the show, you may remember that Canadians are afraid of the dark. 

Family Guy mocks Canada quite a bit. Here's a clip.

The Simpsons are another show that constantly make fun of Canada.

Chris Jericho from WWE on Nitro said Canada sucks- and he's CANADIAN!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

According to Google

Sometimes when I'm having trouble trying to come up with ideas, I go to Google for help. So today, I looked to Google in hopes of finding inspiration. Clicking on the image results, I discovered my next post. Here are my favorite pictures that take a blow to Canada.

I don't like Coors, but this billboard rocks. People of Toronto are mean. It's like they're trying to mimic New York, but can't seem to find the magic our American city carries.

I don't think I have to further explain this one. It's like sending out mounties to defend a nation.

Speaking of mounties...


This one isn't even meant to be a joke. This is from the Ms. Universe pageant and the outfit Ms. Canada decided to wear. How is this supposed to express Canadian culture? And Canadians wonder why Americans make fun of them so much.

I think Mr. Canada here would have had a better chance at winning. They have no hope anyway, so might as well try to be funny. Then again, maybe that's why Ms. Canada wore that outfit.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving, I would like to say I'm thankful for Canada. No really, I'm being serious. They are like a foil to the USA. They show how much better America is. Even the NHL Network agrees. Today, they aired the World Junior Championship from last year and 2004 between the US and Canada. And who won in both years? You guessed it, the US.

On another note, Canada is still lame. As many know, Thanksgiving is an American day. What's more American than massacring a cajillion turkeys in order for families to sit around a table already full of food and stuff their faces while watching football? The holiday is stupid to begin with, and then Canada goes and celebrates it. COPYCATS!

To make matters worse, they celebrate it on the second monday in October. Coincidentally, this happens to be Columbus Day in the US. What does this mean? Canada is clearly trying to outshine the US. News flash, Canada still sucks!

To my fellow Americans, and others who celebrate Thanksgiving on this glorious November day, Happy Thanksgiving! Here's a clip from my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother:

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Canada's True Symbols

Inspired by my last post, I spent some time thinking about the true symbols of Canada. Here's what I came up with:

Canada's National Weather
Anything dealing with snow, ice, or frost bite.

Canada's National Citizens
Hosers, Canucks, Newfs, Capers, Bluenosers, Islanders... you get the picture.

Canada's National Liquidation System
Beer- it's like their version of water.

Canada's National Religion
Conservative Hockey- though there are variations

Canada's National Pride and Joy
Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, or any other remotely famous NHL player.

Canada's National D-Bag
Don Cherry. He has such a problem with hockey players and their excessive celebration, but he's allowed to wear those excessive, loud, vibrant suits? Maybe he should analyze figure skating. He would fit in considering his attire. (Credit to my mom on this one).

Canada's National Export
Maple Syrup- I think they are considering swapping out the gravy in Poutine and replacing it with syrup.

Canada's National Dental Arrangement
Missing at least one tooth. What do you expect when all they do is play hockey and rot their teeth away by eating syrup.

Canada's National Attitude
Polite to the point that it's unhealthy.

Side note- when I went to look up some ideas of what Canada's known for I came across this on yahoo answers- I bet you can guess what country this person lives in:

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Canada's National ...

All countries use symbols, animals, or songs to identify themselves as. They acquire a list of things that exemplify and stand for their country: a national anthem, animal, food dish, etc. Commonly, a country will pick a strong series of objects to symbolize their country.

Curious, I decided to look up Canada's national symbols and see what they stood for. We already touched upon the national anthem, so here's what else I found:

When you think of a national animal, you think of something strong and inspirational. The US has the Eagle- a strong and independent creature that flies. It represents strength and freedom. Brazil has the jaguar- it's fierce and cautious. 

Canada has two national animals. The first one is the Beaver. Uhhh, okay. Why would they pick the second largest rodent to be their national animals? The reason for it is because it helped develop Canada via the fur trade. 
So basically, by picking the Beaver, it emphasizes how Canada likes to exploit innocent creatures for personal gain. 
Probably realizing what a fail it is to have a Beaver symbolize their country, they decided to add another national animal- the Canadian horse. I don't know if you have ever seen one, they are usually styling a mountie, but it's like the weener dog of all horses. 

The national food of Canada is Poutine. Poutine is a slang term for mess. And if you have never seen it, it looks like throw up. It's french fries smothered in gravy and cheese curd. Aside from looking revolting, I've heard it's actually quite delicious.

The national bird is a great northern loon or a common loon, which, ultimately looks like an average duck. It's clumsy on land due to the location of its legs, and nonetheless, enhances the clumsiness of Canadians (why do you think they say sore-ree so much). 

The Maple Tree is their national tree. This is largely attributed to one of their few sources of incomes- maple syrup.

Overall, they get an F for national symbols.

I honestly believe the Canadian government got together, got drunk off their ass drinking Molson Canadian whilst watching the Habs verse the Leafs. They then said, "We're all here, eh? How aboot we make the Beaver our national animal? And while we're at it, eh, let's put a maple leaf on our flag? That'll show every other country how important we are, eh? Eh bartender, how aboot another beer while we watch some puck?"

Friday, November 5, 2010

Because They Are Losers

Everyone loves a winner. I guess that explains why no one likes Canada.

For example, the last Canadian to win the CANADIAN Open was in 1954 by Pat Fletcher.

Sure, Golf probably isn't their strong suit. But Hockey? There is no excuse. It's against the law to not like Hockey there.

Okay, okay- they won gold in the 2010 Olympics, but it was held in fricken Vancouver. The Canadian team couldn't lose. If they did, their families would shun them and the crowd would infiltrate the ice and slit the players throats with their own skates. It was either win or die.

But, a gold medal does not compare to the Holy Grail. Ask any hockey player; they'll pick Lord Stanley any day.

And when was the last time a Canadian team captured a Stanley Cup? In 1993 by the Habs. That was 17 years ago.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Copy Cat-ada

Canada is clearly pathetic. They claim to be different from America, but at the same time, they copy all of the US's shows.

 Seem familiar?

No your eyes aren't fooling you. This really is the logo for Canadian Idol.


It's okay. I laughed too. 
But really, I'm actually amazed at this show, here. 
It must have been real hard to find actual decent
looking people in Canada.

 It's like ESPN for curling.

But, come on. We should cut them some slack. They clearly have no originality and have to borrow their ideas from the US. You know we'd be more than happy to share. 
  All we're asking for is a little thank you, though.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

O Canada!

Ashley and I decided that Canada's national anthem, besides sounding like church music, was unfit. So, I took it upon myself to rewrite the lyrics to what it should rightfully be. 

For those of you who have never cared to see the original here it is:
                     O Canada!
                Our home and native land!
                True patriot love in all thy sons command.
                With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
                The True North strong and free!
                From far and wide,
                O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
                God keep our land glorious and free!
                O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
                O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

The version it should actually be:
                    O Canada!
                Our beer is brewed and grand!
                Until 1931, we were under Britain's command.
                With abundance of only ice,
                Life consists of hockey!
                Kids far and wide,
                O Canada, travel to be potential draftees.
                God keeps our land negative ten degrees!
                O Canada, the US we strive to be.
                O Canada, the US we strive to be.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada Sucks

To pop this blog's cherry, Ashley and I brainstormed the top ten reasons why Canada ticks us off, in no specific order of course.

For starters, topping the list is 1) Celine Dion

Adding to this musical catastrophe 2) Justin Bieber

3) Canadian Bacon? It's HAM!

4) No one cares about Curling. It's not even a real sport.

5) Who wants to buy milk in a bag? It comes in a carton.

6) They have a province dedicated to the French. The French are assholes.

7) There is a place called Moosejaw. Need I say more?

8) Have you ever seen a Canadian Sweater. They're so ugly.

9) Mounties. Yeah, the horse is more intimidating.

and finally 10) Their accents. "How aboot we play some hockey, eh?"

Feel free to add ideas or bash our own or even uselessly attempt to defend Canada.