Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving, I would like to say I'm thankful for Canada. No really, I'm being serious. They are like a foil to the USA. They show how much better America is. Even the NHL Network agrees. Today, they aired the World Junior Championship from last year and 2004 between the US and Canada. And who won in both years? You guessed it, the US.

On another note, Canada is still lame. As many know, Thanksgiving is an American day. What's more American than massacring a cajillion turkeys in order for families to sit around a table already full of food and stuff their faces while watching football? The holiday is stupid to begin with, and then Canada goes and celebrates it. COPYCATS!

To make matters worse, they celebrate it on the second monday in October. Coincidentally, this happens to be Columbus Day in the US. What does this mean? Canada is clearly trying to outshine the US. News flash, Canada still sucks!

To my fellow Americans, and others who celebrate Thanksgiving on this glorious November day, Happy Thanksgiving! Here's a clip from my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother:

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Canada's True Symbols

Inspired by my last post, I spent some time thinking about the true symbols of Canada. Here's what I came up with:

Canada's National Weather
Anything dealing with snow, ice, or frost bite.

Canada's National Citizens
Hosers, Canucks, Newfs, Capers, Bluenosers, Islanders... you get the picture.

Canada's National Liquidation System
Beer- it's like their version of water.

Canada's National Religion
Conservative Hockey- though there are variations

Canada's National Pride and Joy
Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux, Sidney Crosby, or any other remotely famous NHL player.

Canada's National D-Bag
Don Cherry. He has such a problem with hockey players and their excessive celebration, but he's allowed to wear those excessive, loud, vibrant suits? Maybe he should analyze figure skating. He would fit in considering his attire. (Credit to my mom on this one).

Canada's National Export
Maple Syrup- I think they are considering swapping out the gravy in Poutine and replacing it with syrup.

Canada's National Dental Arrangement
Missing at least one tooth. What do you expect when all they do is play hockey and rot their teeth away by eating syrup.

Canada's National Attitude
Polite to the point that it's unhealthy.

Side note- when I went to look up some ideas of what Canada's known for I came across this on yahoo answers- I bet you can guess what country this person lives in:

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Canada's National ...

All countries use symbols, animals, or songs to identify themselves as. They acquire a list of things that exemplify and stand for their country: a national anthem, animal, food dish, etc. Commonly, a country will pick a strong series of objects to symbolize their country.

Curious, I decided to look up Canada's national symbols and see what they stood for. We already touched upon the national anthem, so here's what else I found:

When you think of a national animal, you think of something strong and inspirational. The US has the Eagle- a strong and independent creature that flies. It represents strength and freedom. Brazil has the jaguar- it's fierce and cautious. 

Canada has two national animals. The first one is the Beaver. Uhhh, okay. Why would they pick the second largest rodent to be their national animals? The reason for it is because it helped develop Canada via the fur trade. 
So basically, by picking the Beaver, it emphasizes how Canada likes to exploit innocent creatures for personal gain. 
Probably realizing what a fail it is to have a Beaver symbolize their country, they decided to add another national animal- the Canadian horse. I don't know if you have ever seen one, they are usually styling a mountie, but it's like the weener dog of all horses. 

The national food of Canada is Poutine. Poutine is a slang term for mess. And if you have never seen it, it looks like throw up. It's french fries smothered in gravy and cheese curd. Aside from looking revolting, I've heard it's actually quite delicious.

The national bird is a great northern loon or a common loon, which, ultimately looks like an average duck. It's clumsy on land due to the location of its legs, and nonetheless, enhances the clumsiness of Canadians (why do you think they say sore-ree so much). 

The Maple Tree is their national tree. This is largely attributed to one of their few sources of incomes- maple syrup.

Overall, they get an F for national symbols.

I honestly believe the Canadian government got together, got drunk off their ass drinking Molson Canadian whilst watching the Habs verse the Leafs. They then said, "We're all here, eh? How aboot we make the Beaver our national animal? And while we're at it, eh, let's put a maple leaf on our flag? That'll show every other country how important we are, eh? Eh bartender, how aboot another beer while we watch some puck?"

Friday, November 5, 2010

Because They Are Losers

Everyone loves a winner. I guess that explains why no one likes Canada.

For example, the last Canadian to win the CANADIAN Open was in 1954 by Pat Fletcher.

Sure, Golf probably isn't their strong suit. But Hockey? There is no excuse. It's against the law to not like Hockey there.

Okay, okay- they won gold in the 2010 Olympics, but it was held in fricken Vancouver. The Canadian team couldn't lose. If they did, their families would shun them and the crowd would infiltrate the ice and slit the players throats with their own skates. It was either win or die.

But, a gold medal does not compare to the Holy Grail. Ask any hockey player; they'll pick Lord Stanley any day.

And when was the last time a Canadian team captured a Stanley Cup? In 1993 by the Habs. That was 17 years ago.