Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Canadian Mad Libs

I'm so bored, eh. So I decided to play Canadian style mad libs. The key to the game is to put as many Canadian words in the slots. After like 400, I finally made one (not ridiculously inappropriate) I'd like to share.

Courtesy of this website:   http://www.eduplace.com/tales/
I challenge you to make a better one.

And the finished product!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Canadian In Need is a Canadian Indeed

So I was browsing yahoo answers, when I decided to go onto yahoo answers canada.

And the first thing that pops up is:

Shortly followed by:

Mmmmkay. Some were serious questions about faith and health and trying to find a song. But I came across a couple that I decided to make up a response to.

Here's what I came up with.

It deleted itself because you're Canadian and you have no friends.

Personally, I prefer sprite with a little bit of cyanide mixed in. It really gives me that kick I'm looking for.

Real nice, you racist. How about choosing Ku, Klux, and Klan, eh?

Friday, August 26, 2011

Diary of a Hoser

Dear Diary, eh,

July is over, and winter has begun. Living in Canada, there are only two seasons: summer (July) and winter (August-June). The snow was aboot to come down any minute, and I realized I needed to collect some maple syrup for the approaching blizzard. We're expecting aboot a meter, eh.

So, I went ootside to the old maple tree, trying to figure oot how to get the syrup, when oot of nowhere I was hit in the mouth with a hockey puck. It knocked oot another tooth, leaving me with a total of six teeth left.

I went inside to withoot the syrup, to find my decked oot habs cloth (it's got the logo and everything, eh) to stop the bleeding in my mouth. Once it stopped bleeding, I grabbed a beer and sat down on the old chesterfield in front of the tv for some old habs playoff games from 93.

I'm not sure when, I think it was ten minutes left of the thrid period, when I dozed off, eh. But the next thing I know, I hear a knock at my door. I get up to check ootside, and I see aboot a half meter of snow on the ground and my best by' all done up in his nicest bunny hug trying to look all dekey, eh.

"I'm headed over to Timmy's for a double-double, eh. Ya' comin' or what ya hoser?" He says to me.

"Shut up, ya canuck. Lemme grab some loonies and I'll be oot in sec," I reply. I instantly start thinking aboot the timbits I'm aboot to hoover.

I grab my tuque and head over to Timmy's and eat some timbits. We get back and watch some puck for aboot four hours, when we finally called it quits. That's when I realized it was diary time, so here I am writing in my diary, eh. Until next time...


Words you probably didn't understand:
Habs- Montreal Canadians
chesterfield- couch
by'- boy or buddy
bunny hug- sweatshirt
dekey- nice looking, cool
Timmy's- Tim Hortons (like Dunkin Donuts for canadians)
double-double- two creams and two sugars in your coffee
hoser- loser, derogatory term for a lower class beer guzzling hockey nut (Trailer Park Boys is a fine example)
canuck- Canadian
loonies- Canadian coin
timbits- Tim Horton's version of the Munchkin
hoover- devour
tuque- hat

Friday, August 5, 2011


I don't know if you know this by now, but I love to google things. Writing a Canadian blog, I google Canada quite a bit for more material. Today, in the midst of my google frenzy, I came upon the site canada.com. While browsing, I noticed a few interesting things. So, I screen capped it and decided to point out these ridiculous features this site has to offer. I have annotated and highlighted the important components.

*Click on the Picture to Increase the Size*

Annotation 1 
We all know Canada is not a very sophisticated country. So there's no shocker that anything affiliated with the name (including this site) won't be advanced in the slightest. This includes the lack of smarts to interpret apostrophes which in turn displays the code (#8217) instead.

Annotation 2
Under the Most Popular tab, road kill in Minnesota is one of the top articles on the site. Of all things to look up, the country decides to be interested in road kill. And for the kicker: IT'S NOT EVEN IN CANADA!

Annotation 3
I can't even muster up a response for this. What is that? Is that a Canadian thing, or something? I'm pretty sure that's the worst headline to ever be created.

Annotation 4
In Hot Topics, Sean Avery- the worst hockey player in the NHL- is placed comfortably behind hurricanes and cyclones. Okay, so he was arrested, but still- it's Sean Avery. Maybe Tiger Woods' new girl friend is one of Avery's sloppy seconds and he decided to take his anger out by assaulting a police officer.

I know that pretty much anyone that can operate a computer, can create a website (or in my case, pointless blogs), but maybe Canada should be an exception to this phenomenon.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

FML: Hoser Edition

I don't know if you're familiar with the website FML (fmylifee.com), but it's hilarious. People from all around the world post problems or horrible situations they've endured on this website, and viewers rate their post.

I was browsing around today when I came across a few Canadian posters. Of course I have to throw my two-cents in.

*NOTE* you can click on the screen caps to make them bigger and easier to read.

And the first:

Like she said, she'd have been fine with this ordeal. I guess she's used to rejection being a Canadian and all. And I don't know why she's fussing over it. She's no longer living in Canada. This situation was a blessing in disguise.


I'm sorry, but there's no such thing as a sober canuck with all that beer pride there. What were they thinking?


If a canadian was my baby sitter, I'd scream and run away, too.


Remind me why Canada's free health care system is something to smile aboot.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Canada Day

So as we all (and by we all, I mean Canada) know that yesterday was Canada Day. For the vast majority of the world who don't know what Canada Day is (especially the many of you who could care less), it is the national day of Canada. It's supposedly observed world wide, but I think Canadians just tell themselves that to feel important.

Basically it was enacted in order to celebrate the British North American Act in which three british colonies joined together to form the (not really that) great north.

To celebrate, Canadians alike use the holiday as an excuse to join together and drink beer whilst playing street hockey- even though this occurrence happens just aboot everyday.

Although I'm sure many avid Canadian hockey fans stayed home watching the Friday Free Agent Signing Frenzy to see if Brad Richards (or anyone for that matter) would sign with the Leaf's. That's a solid no.

So to all Canadian's, I hope you're nursing your hang overs and hockey injuries well and I can't wait for Independence Day ( a holiday actually worth celebrating).

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hockey: The Divine Sport

How important is hockey to Canadians? Enough that when their team loses the Cup they hold an all-out riot.

The following is an article from nhl.com:

The police tried to maintain the crowd, but it appears Mounties are not as intimidating as they seek to be.

I think I'm the only person on the planet right now laughing their ass off over this.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Case of the Missing Package

The following is the true mystery of my missing package:

Background: Being an avid Islanders fan and with out a mouse pad for some time, I decided to finally invest my money in one from nhl.com. Thinking that I'd order it on May 16, it would surely come within a week or so. Or so is the time frame I'll get it considering it's May 31st, and that weird substance that is growing on my desk because of the lack of mousepad is still there.

As I checked today to see the status of my order, I discovered the worst: it was in fricken British Columbia!

Digression/Rant: I mean, don't get me wrong. I haven't studied the art of shipments. I don't know how the ports and docks work. But to go from Toronto to BC- over 4000 km- seems just a tad out of the way, don't you think? Especially if it is to go to NY from Toronto- a mere 800 km away.

The Query: Which makes me think that someone messed up along the way. I see it now:

The Scenario: Jake is oh so tired. He just came from his lumberjack job to his mail delivery one. All day, he was cutting down trees, which clearly wore him oot, eh.

Not to mention, he's got so many things on his mind. All he keeps thinking aboot is if the Canucks are gonna win it this year. How great would that be, eh?

And the couple of beers he guzzled right beforehand while watching Hockey Night in Canada didn't help the situation. So when he finally comes upon my package, he accidentally puts it in the truck going to BC instead of the one going to the US.

The Culprit: Canada


Status: Solved

Thursday, May 26, 2011

What is a Canadian?

What is a Canadian?

Is it the pure rottenness of Quebec?
Or the weird accents of Nova Scotia?
The country is a hopeless wreck.
They should be inspected by a certified member of OSHA.

And who the hell would live in the Yukon?
All those silly Eskimos.
I'd rather drowned myself in the Huron,
then live with frost-bitten toes.

And being an Ottawa Senators fan,
well that's gotta be the worst.
There's no Stanley Cup in their game plan.
The team is clearly cursed.

A Canadian is an odd thing to be.
I have told no lie.
From the Beaufort to Labrador Sea,
The land is completely bone dry.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Thanks Canada

So, Ashley and I have been feeling kind of bad. We figure, we bash on Canada sooo hard all the time, that we never get a chance to praise them for things we actually like about them.

So, with out further ado, I give you: Top Ten Things we like about Canada!

1) We all love those little chewy fish-shaped candies. Turns out Swedish Fish are made in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

2) TOM GREEN!!! He is so funny. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't enjoy the Bum Bum Song.

3) We all know life in America is a drag until you reach the magic age of 21. But in Canada, the drinking age varies between 18 and 19. Thanks Canada for making our summer road trips so much fun.

4) We elves like to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. And where can we find syrup? That's right, bring on the Maple Syrup.

5) Flannel is all the rage now- and it looks great depending on the person that's wearing it.

6) I Hate (Almost) Everything About You Canada, except Three Days Grace. They were formed in Norwood, Ontario, Canada.

7) Tim Hortons, I'm sad to say, is better than Starbucks. I'll give you this one.

8) Ashley inists the Yukon must be given props. Why? I have no clue. All I know it's the smallest Canadian federal territory.

9) It influences South Park to make amazing episodes and characters. Among them is the adorable little Ike (whom is Ashley's favorite next to Butters).

10) Last bust certainly not least, drum roll please.....

HOCKEY! And to be more specific, their amazing export of hockey playing talent!

So all in all, thank you Canada.

But I feel like I'm missing something. Oh yeah, you're suckiness overpowers the only ten good things you have produced. So with that being said, Canada- YOU SUCK!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Canada Is One Big Joke

I'm so sorry for taking a hiatus. Canada is just so uninteresting that Ashley and I had run out of things to talk about.

Since I feel so bad, I'll leave you with my favorite Canadian joke:

The Habs are going to win the Stanley Cup. 


But seriously, the real joke is this:

The Maple Leafs are going to win the Stanley Cup. 


Okay for real (By the way, it's more hockey than Canadian. But then again, Canada is hockey, so...) :

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Silly Canadians

Hahahah, look at this video I found. I love this guy, even if he is a Canadian.

Anyway, Canada lost to Russia during the World Juniors! Ha, see they suck. Okay, USA got beaten by Canada, but still, this isn't about the US being better than Canada (at least not right now). This is about how Canada sucks and Russia rubbed it in their faces.

And here's another video about a Canadian who shoots himself:

I'm pretty sure it's fake, but it's funny.

And here is one for our French-Canadian friends:

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Years!

So it is 2011. Canada had a year. They won the gold in Vancouver, but the Habs lost to the Flyers and lost a chance to lift Le Stanley Cup. So, their good year was canceled out by a bad year- making it just a year.

Hopefully 2011 will bring them more luck, but I doubt it since Canada sucks.

In other words, I'm rooting for their golden boy, Crosby, for the Classic tonight. I'm psyched, it's going to be a great game. 8 on NBC, don't miss it.

But mostly, don't forget one thing...