Friday, August 26, 2011

Diary of a Hoser

Dear Diary, eh,

July is over, and winter has begun. Living in Canada, there are only two seasons: summer (July) and winter (August-June). The snow was aboot to come down any minute, and I realized I needed to collect some maple syrup for the approaching blizzard. We're expecting aboot a meter, eh.

So, I went ootside to the old maple tree, trying to figure oot how to get the syrup, when oot of nowhere I was hit in the mouth with a hockey puck. It knocked oot another tooth, leaving me with a total of six teeth left.

I went inside to withoot the syrup, to find my decked oot habs cloth (it's got the logo and everything, eh) to stop the bleeding in my mouth. Once it stopped bleeding, I grabbed a beer and sat down on the old chesterfield in front of the tv for some old habs playoff games from 93.

I'm not sure when, I think it was ten minutes left of the thrid period, when I dozed off, eh. But the next thing I know, I hear a knock at my door. I get up to check ootside, and I see aboot a half meter of snow on the ground and my best by' all done up in his nicest bunny hug trying to look all dekey, eh.

"I'm headed over to Timmy's for a double-double, eh. Ya' comin' or what ya hoser?" He says to me.

"Shut up, ya canuck. Lemme grab some loonies and I'll be oot in sec," I reply. I instantly start thinking aboot the timbits I'm aboot to hoover.

I grab my tuque and head over to Timmy's and eat some timbits. We get back and watch some puck for aboot four hours, when we finally called it quits. That's when I realized it was diary time, so here I am writing in my diary, eh. Until next time...

Love,
Brian

Words you probably didn't understand:
Habs- Montreal Canadians
chesterfield- couch
by'- boy or buddy
bunny hug- sweatshirt
dekey- nice looking, cool
Timmy's- Tim Hortons (like Dunkin Donuts for canadians)
double-double- two creams and two sugars in your coffee
hoser- loser, derogatory term for a lower class beer guzzling hockey nut (Trailer Park Boys is a fine example)
canuck- Canadian
loonies- Canadian coin
timbits- Tim Horton's version of the Munchkin
hoover- devour
tuque- hat

Friday, August 5, 2011

canada.com

I don't know if you know this by now, but I love to google things. Writing a Canadian blog, I google Canada quite a bit for more material. Today, in the midst of my google frenzy, I came upon the site canada.com. While browsing, I noticed a few interesting things. So, I screen capped it and decided to point out these ridiculous features this site has to offer. I have annotated and highlighted the important components.


*Click on the Picture to Increase the Size*


Annotation 1 
We all know Canada is not a very sophisticated country. So there's no shocker that anything affiliated with the name (including this site) won't be advanced in the slightest. This includes the lack of smarts to interpret apostrophes which in turn displays the code (#8217) instead.



Annotation 2
Under the Most Popular tab, road kill in Minnesota is one of the top articles on the site. Of all things to look up, the country decides to be interested in road kill. And for the kicker: IT'S NOT EVEN IN CANADA!



Annotation 3
I can't even muster up a response for this. What is that? Is that a Canadian thing, or something? I'm pretty sure that's the worst headline to ever be created.





Annotation 4
In Hot Topics, Sean Avery- the worst hockey player in the NHL- is placed comfortably behind hurricanes and cyclones. Okay, so he was arrested, but still- it's Sean Avery. Maybe Tiger Woods' new girl friend is one of Avery's sloppy seconds and he decided to take his anger out by assaulting a police officer.


I know that pretty much anyone that can operate a computer, can create a website (or in my case, pointless blogs), but maybe Canada should be an exception to this phenomenon.