Friday, August 26, 2011

Diary of a Hoser

Dear Diary, eh,

July is over, and winter has begun. Living in Canada, there are only two seasons: summer (July) and winter (August-June). The snow was aboot to come down any minute, and I realized I needed to collect some maple syrup for the approaching blizzard. We're expecting aboot a meter, eh.

So, I went ootside to the old maple tree, trying to figure oot how to get the syrup, when oot of nowhere I was hit in the mouth with a hockey puck. It knocked oot another tooth, leaving me with a total of six teeth left.

I went inside to withoot the syrup, to find my decked oot habs cloth (it's got the logo and everything, eh) to stop the bleeding in my mouth. Once it stopped bleeding, I grabbed a beer and sat down on the old chesterfield in front of the tv for some old habs playoff games from 93.

I'm not sure when, I think it was ten minutes left of the thrid period, when I dozed off, eh. But the next thing I know, I hear a knock at my door. I get up to check ootside, and I see aboot a half meter of snow on the ground and my best by' all done up in his nicest bunny hug trying to look all dekey, eh.

"I'm headed over to Timmy's for a double-double, eh. Ya' comin' or what ya hoser?" He says to me.

"Shut up, ya canuck. Lemme grab some loonies and I'll be oot in sec," I reply. I instantly start thinking aboot the timbits I'm aboot to hoover.

I grab my tuque and head over to Timmy's and eat some timbits. We get back and watch some puck for aboot four hours, when we finally called it quits. That's when I realized it was diary time, so here I am writing in my diary, eh. Until next time...

Love,
Brian

Words you probably didn't understand:
Habs- Montreal Canadians
chesterfield- couch
by'- boy or buddy
bunny hug- sweatshirt
dekey- nice looking, cool
Timmy's- Tim Hortons (like Dunkin Donuts for canadians)
double-double- two creams and two sugars in your coffee
hoser- loser, derogatory term for a lower class beer guzzling hockey nut (Trailer Park Boys is a fine example)
canuck- Canadian
loonies- Canadian coin
timbits- Tim Horton's version of the Munchkin
hoover- devour
tuque- hat

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